Butterfly Effect

So the nightmares are back again. I thought I have had left my demons way behind, but I was wrong! I was pretty wrong…

January 11, 2004, the cursed day. The turn that life took on January 11, was an unexpected one. It took me more than three years to get over it. I cried for dreams but my sleep offered me flashbacks of that dark day. My closed eyes saw just that…

Nightmares struck again on July 11, 2007. And this time it returned with a vengeance. Apart from hollowing me from within, it tore me into numerous pieces.

Gradual self help and a few pep talks from close acquaintance made me stronger. I think it made me strong or did it really?

Since 2004 I have skipped, rather say trying to skip the details of something particular as it makes me weak and vulnerable.

But… (you can’t possibly run away from your fears, or can you?)

Yes, I shrugged the other day as I never wanted to write the horrors of the unexpected again. But then it was news and we needed to carry it. Keeping aside my fears, I challenged my fears. Late did I realise that I should have not!

(Surrendering at times do not make you a weak person)

Dear unknown. I can clearly see what your face would have looked to the onlookers who broke into your closed apartment on July 17, 2017, night. 

And this is what I never wanted to think upon. I did not want this recurrence of something that I have left (rather say have been trying to leave) far behind. I thought I have had indeed left it far behind…but…

Social media posts, posted in your memory, through which your closed ones have questioned and accused you and have pointed fingers, made things worse for me. Those posts are all irrelevant now, aren’t day? 

Social media posts questioning your act or analysing your act are as cringe worthy as it can get. I know, to keep fighting is tough and the easiest way is to act impulsively at that spurt of the moment.

Believe me as after three ‘unsuccessful’ but ‘successful attempts’, I know why it is easy to act at the impulse of the moment.

I won’t call you or hers of 2004 and 2007 coward; but yes, I would term you all weak!

I know that weakness quite well. I know how vulnerable the brain gets. I understand that adrenaline rush, and also know that tendency quite well.

I was weak too and it took me years to stand strong enough so that I don’t act coward. For I know, what the weak action might possibly do…

I know, you will never ever, ever again, read anything written about you now. Neither these lines, nor this blog.

May be through these lines I am trying to connect with your higher form!

I am afraid of my night demons. I do not want to fight them…

If my anger can make any difference, then I am angry on you. Not because you showed extreme courage and displayed your strength to all. I am angry because your last ride has made the rides’ of several others bumpier.

Ask me… As I close my eyes, your face replaces the faces of 2004 and 2007. Several unknown voices keep chattering near my ears and I reply to them in real.

Your action taken in one fraction of a mllisecond has triggered several other actions. And my constant fight with self and my shouting while I try to sleep fighting my night demons is nothing but the butterfly effect. It is the impact I have had after challenging my fear induced since 2004…

Photo Courtesy: Google

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